I Have a Mighty Need for These Fictional Characters to Be Queer

Kate Bishop. Let’s be real, any of the Young Avengers being heterosexual just makes no sense at all. Let’s be realer: “Princess. I’ve seen the way you look at me. You’re not that straight.”

Rosa Diaz. I will admit that at least 72% of my reasoning here is “if Diaz turns out to be a late-in-the-game baby gay the writers will never ever try to sell us on her having feelings for Boyle again.” However, the other 28% of my reasoning is CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE?????

Every Empire Records character except MAYBE Cory and AJ (MAYBE). Seriously, there is a whole essay to be written* about Deb and how she is pretty much the Platonic ideal of “closeted alternabrat has Gay Feelings, responds by being overtly mean to pretty girls.” Eddie is every cheery, chill-to-a-fault gay stoner you have ever met. Lucas is that one dude who comes to term with his bisexuality in college by listening to a lot of Lou Reed and speaking in cryptic, covertly sexual proverbs. Gina LENDS CORY HER BRA, which, I am not well-versed in heterosexuality but that does not seem like it would be part of it. Berko was originally supposed to be played by Billie Joe Armstrong, which, enough said. I thought for a second that maybe Jane was straight but then I remembered her hat. Long story short: that big polysexual dance party they have on the roof at the end is just life as usual at the Empire, because DAMN THE MAN (The Man is heteronormativity).

Remus Lupin. I mean, everybody wants this, right? Nobody reads this character as straight, right??? Everybody interpreted his abject misery after marrying Tonks as the emotional implosion of a closeted man secretly mourning his dead boyfriend, right?????

Inigo Montoya. He and Fezzik get married. They open a flower shop in Barcelona. This is canon. FIGHT ME.

Janis Ian. And also Kevin Gnapoor, just to be fair.

Rupert Giles. Rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer as an adult really makes you appreciate Giles as a character in a way that you couldn’t as a teen. (His default expression of distaste and annoyance whenever he deals with Xander is a particular delight.) It also makes you appreciate that Ethan Rayne is one hundred and ten percent his toxic ex-boyfriend who occasionally comes back into his life just to fuck with him. That episode where he turns Giles into a Fyarl demon for kicks is basically the Sunnydale equivalent of your ex sharing doctored pictures of you dressed as an adult baby.

Most of the cast of Star Wars: The Force AwakensEspecially Poe Dameron.**

Gene Belcher. The writers of Bob’s Burgers haven’t exactly shied away from showcasing Gene’s flexible approach to gender and sexuality canonically (he’s just a girl with a dream who got tired of hearing the word no!). But man, wouldn’t it be great if they just went all out with it? I wanna see Gene experimenting with Tina’s eyeliner and quickly becoming much more skilled with it. I wanna see him go through his awkward Rocky Horror phase (which Louise gets kind of into because it means they get to go see a movie after midnight and throw stuff at the screen). I wanna see him discover gender neutral pronouns and bellow “THIS IS ME NOW” at the whole damn world. I wanna see Bob and Linda not quite understanding what’s going on but loving and supporting their precious baby anyway, because they’re Belchers, from the womb to the tomb. (Besides, Bob’s only MOSTLY straight.)

That dude from the Hamilton musical. You know. The little one.

Johanna Mason. Johanna is gay for Katniss. This is an indisputable fact.*** That first time they meet when she strips off in the elevator is not just an attempt to get under Katniss’ skin, it is Johanna’s weird, overly aggressive, I-am-a-victim-of-unspeakable-trauma-so-everything-I-do-is-at-least-a-little-off way of flirting. “There’s no one left I love”? Oh, Johanna, that is a damn dirty lie and we all know it.

Jean-Ralphio Saperstein. Because he’s ♪open minded as helllllllll.♪

Jessica Jones. Jessica and Trish were girlfriends and Jessica is the world’s grumpiest bisexual private eye, the end.

Daenerys Targaryen. I have not watched Game of Thrones in a very long time, and the last time I did I was reeeeeeeally put off by Dany’s gross white saviour story line while also being utterly enchanted by Emilia Clarke’s face. How to resolve these conflicting feelings? Have her ditch those whiny dudes that follow her around everywhere, abandon her Manifest Questiny, and start a lesbian commune in the middle of the desert. Because “lesbian commune guarded by dragons” is literally the stuff my teenage dreams were made of.

Every single character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Literally all of them. They are all queer. Every last one of them. I’ve decided.

 

 

* By me. Probably on this blog.

** But not Kylo Ren. We don’t want him.

*** Note: this fact may be disputable, especially if you are Suzanne Collins.

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2 Responses to I Have a Mighty Need for These Fictional Characters to Be Queer

  1. Quinn says:

    I refuse to believe that Rupert Giles is NOT canonically queer. Guy spent his teenage years in a chaos-worshipping cult. There is no way he and Ethan never shagged.

    And I love that Stephanie Beatriz is all for the idea of a bisexual Rosa (where bisexual translates to “Rosa doesn’t care about gender, she just goes after any person she wants”). Because yeah, Rosa would.

    I totally read Jessica Jones and Trish as exes when Trish was first introduced. I was very disappointed to find that they were not.

    Johanna Mason, definitely.

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    • elliottggish says:

      Agreed (and I am forever bitter that the Young Giles series never ended up becoming a thing).

      It would be so great to see that actually explored in the show. We need to start an online petition or something. Working title: “Give Us The Queer Diaz For Whom The People Clamour.”

      So did I! I remember when the series was first being teased a couple of (reputable, i.e. Not Me) news sources were speculating about whether or not they were, and prematurely described Jessica as :sexually fluid.” But no, we got Gay Trinity instead. Which was still nice! But I kind of hope that Pam becomes a recurring character in Season 2, I’m interested to see where she goes from being Hogarth’s side piece- hopefully away from all those terrible wrap dresses. Honestly, girl, everyone else in your office is wear matte black and you are wearing a purple nylon print minidress from Fairweather? Get WITH it.

      And there is just no way that Johanna isn’t. The movie just made it worse, because Jenna Malone.

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