Things I Have Been Doing for the Past Few Months Instead of Updating This Blog

Watching television! Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, GLOW, and The Good Place were all winners. American Gods was hit (Emily Browning slowly rotting and being really bitter about it, Orlando Jones’s whole deal, the soundtrack) or miss (the many, many shots of inconsequential things happening in dramatic slo-mo). Riverdale was an abomination, but one that I watched in its entirety, so I suspect the joke is on me.

Going on dates! They have, by and large, been bad, but not as bad as they could have been.

Visiting Montreal! I spent a wonderful ten days in Montreal recently, seeing dear friends and eating great food and climbing to the top of Mount Royal (not recommended, although the view is spectacular). I also took in a horrible play about masculinity, went ziplining, attended Montreal’s first YA Fest, and got to see the Decemberists in concert. It was the best vacation I’ve had in years, and furthered my conviction that Montreal is one of the greatest cities in the world. I would live there if it didn’t mean inflicting my godawful French on people who did nothing to deserve it.

Getting published! As of this writing, I have published three stories: “What Brings You Back There,” published in the Dalhousie Review; “Blood and Vinegar,” published in Understorey Magazine; and “Games to Play at Parties,” a finalist for the Wigleaf Mythic Picnic Prize in Fiction. I also have a piece awaiting publication at Spry Literary Journal called “The Salt Gift.” My mother is very proud of me (she told me so).

Trying (and sort of failing) to write a novel! This past year I attempted NaNoWriMo for the first time in a long time. I was trying to write a horror novel about Newfoundland fairy lore. While I technically won the challenge (50,000 words within a month), I definitely failed to produce anything that wasn’t pure, unadulterated garbage. Better luck this year, I guess.

Trying (and DEFINITELY failing) to sing karaoke! For posterity’s sake.

COMING SOON: More frequent updates, many of which will likely include all my negative feelings about Solo: A Star Wars Story.

 

Some Drinking Games That I Invented

Never Have I Ever Read That Classic Novel

Each player names a literary classic that they have not read. Players who have read it take a sip. Players who once pretended to have read it to impress someone with whom they wished to have sex finish their drinks and cry about being alone, so alone. Players who have read and enjoyed more than three Hemingway novels are sent home.

I Saw a Movie: It (But Mostly Other Things)

[A/N: I first wrote this post back in September, when I originally saw this film. At the time I couldn’t think of a way to end it, so I didn’t post it. However, I also could not stop thinking about what I had written. I thought about it so much that I couldn’t post anything else for five months. So finally, here is my not-really-a-review of the film It, which came out a while ago and is old news. Hopefully now I can get back to writing about dumb nonsense.]

Two weeks ago, I went to the movie theatre to see It.

I would like to clarify right off the bat that this post is not a review of It. I thought that the film was serviceable. The director made some storytelling choices I enjoyed and some that I didn’t. The performances were generally very good, and it was refreshing to hear twelve-year-olds using the word “fuck” as liberally onscreen as they do in real life. That being said, the ending was a dumb mess, Mike’s role was cut down way too much, and not even Finn Wolfhard can make me care about Richie Tozier. Also, the super scary murderclown does this:

Spooky.

Various and Sundry Denizens of the Public Library

The Shusher. Librarians rarely shush people these days; we’re usually so happy people are using the library that we don’t want to dampen their enthusiasm by making them be quiet. Luckily, most public libraries now have a resident Shusher, a patron so violently indignant at the very idea of noise in the library that they will descend with righteous fury on anyone speaking above a solemn whisper. This includes staff members, so tread carefully.

All the Times Xander Harris Should Have Been Punched in the Face, Or, Better Yet, Lost His Second Eye

As you may be aware, Joss Whedon’s ex-wife recently revealed that he is a really shitty dude. Many people on the Internet were surprised by this, because men who use their creative work as a vehicle through which to brutalize and humiliate their female characters are never secretly gigantic misogynists.* I have long known that Joss Whedon is trash, and it’s not because he killed off Tara for no good reason and thereby ruined my gay childhood.** No, it’s because he has stated on more than one occasion that the Buffy the Vampire Slayer character to whom he most deeply relates is Xander Harris. And Xander Harris is just a big ol’ bucket of garbage.

With that in mind, here is my list of All the Times Xander Harris Should Have Been Punched in the Face, Or, Better Yet, Lost His Second Eye.***

I Enjoy Being a Homosexual

It is Pride Month, a phrase which here means “the most wonderful time of the year,”* and I would like to take this opportunity to tell the world that I enjoy being a homosexual!

Now and Then: Bridge to Terabithia, by Katherine Paterson

Now and Then is a series of posts in which I revisit books (and occasionally not-books) that I loved when I was a child, comparing what I remember about them to how I experience them as an adult. It is also the name of Chris de Burgh’s last studio album, which I haven’t listened to but am willing to bet does not boast a single song that’s as much of a banger as “Ship to Shore.”

I like this cover more than the one I had growing up, because Leslie had a weird mom bob on that one.

Jess Aarons only cares about three things: drawing, his music teacher Miss Edmunds, and being the fastest runner in the fifth grade. When Leslie Burke moves to town and beats him in a footrace, he is therefore fully prepared to hate her, and is as surprised as anyone when he becomes her best friend instead. Together they create an imaginary land in the woods behind their houses: the magical kingdom of Terabithia, which they rule as King and Queen, fighting off mysterious invaders and evil spirits at every turn. A 1978 Newbery Medal winner, Bridge to Terabithia is one of the most frequently banned and challenged books in the United States. These challenges mostly stem from the book’s offensive language and its portrayal of death, but a few have also accused Paterson of promoting secular humanism, atheism, occultism, and Satanism.

Katherine Paterson: more metal than all of us.

Now and Then: Anne of Green Gables, by L.M. Montgomery

Now and Then is a series of posts in which I revisit books (and occasionally not-books) that I loved when I was a child, comparing what I remember about them to how I experience them as an adult. Now and Then is also a band from Burlington. Book ’em for your wedding!

I don’t like the covers that actually feature Anne because they always make her way too pretty.

Anne of Green Gables is a Canadian classic, and also the only reason why anyone has ever voluntarily visited Prince Edward Island. You probably already know what it’s about, right? Redheaded orphan, talks too much too fast, charms a couple of old people into adopting her? Keeps getting into hilarious scrapes involving slates and raspberry cordial? Yeah, you know it.

Now and Then: Wayside School Gets a Little Stranger, by Louis Sachar

Now and Then is a series of posts in which I revisit books (and occasionally not-books) that I loved when I was a child, comparing what I remember about them to how I experience them as an adult. It is also a movie from the 90s starring Christina Ricci and Thora Birch! Remember her? I wonder when she’s up to these days.

This was the edition I had as a kid. It glows in the dark!

Wayside School is an elementary school that is accidentally built thirty stories high, with one classroom on each floor, due to a mixup with the blueprints. (The builder said he was very sorry.) The series focuses on the class on the 30^th floor, taught by Mrs. Jewls, who takes over after her predecessor Mrs. Gorf is turned into an apple. This happens in the first chapter of the first book, so at least you know what you’re in for. All three of the books are a series of absurdist highjinks, with the odd supernatural encounter thrown in. These mostly happen in or around the nineteenth story, which does not exist, where Miss Zarves, who also does not exist, teaches a number of students whose existence is up for debate.

Now and Then: Enid Blyton’s St. Clare’s Series

Now and Then is a series of posts in which I revisit books (and occasionally not-books) that I loved when I was a child, comparing what I remember about them to how I experience them as an adult. I fully expect to be horrified by how much of what Young Elliott loved is blatant trash.

These were the covers I had growing up. Look at all those wholesome shenanigans!

Less well known than her later Malory Towers series, Blyton’s St. Clare’s books nevertheless cover similar ground—the everyday trials and tribulations of teenage girls at boarding school. When protagonists Pat and Isabel O’Sullivan discover that their parents mean to send them to St. Clare’s instead of the ritzy school their friends are attending, they are determined not to enjoy a second of it. Because this is an Enid Blyton series, they are soon shown the error of their ways and happily settle into a routine of lacrosse matches, midnight feasts, and Very Important Moral Lessons.