The Shusher. Librarians rarely shush people these days; we’re usually so happy people are using the library that we don’t want to dampen their enthusiasm by making them be quiet. Luckily, most public libraries now have a resident Shusher, a patron so violently indignant at the very idea of noise in the library that they will descend with righteous fury on anyone speaking above a solemn whisper. This includes staff members, so tread carefully.
The Wunderkind. This child has read all of the books in your youth collection, as well as a good portion of the ones in your adult collection, and they want to talk to you about ALL of them. Whether it’s Captain Underpants or Crime and Punishment, if it’s a book, they have an opinion, and you are going to hear it. (They may also correct your grammar at some point.) They are cute as a friggin’ button, but you must not tell them this, as it injures their dignity.
The Very Important Person. This patron has a lot of very important things to do, and will not stand for you wasting their time. Don’t you know who they are? (You don’t.) Don’t you understand how crucial their work is? (Ditto.) You will not need to spot this patron; they will announce themselves, loudly and at length.
The Murder Nana. The sweetest, cheeriest, littlest old lady you have ever met. The only thing this patron loves more than her grandchildren are books about murder. Real ones, for preference, the gorier the better, and if they have a disturbing psycho-sexual element to them, well, that’s just gravy. She is probably not an actual murderer, but be extra nice to her just in case.
The Landmine. So named because they tend to explode if you put a foot out of line. Ornery, aggressive, and mean, this patron is always one minor inconvenience away from completely losing their shit. Avoid riling them up if you can, but sometimes they are just determined to blow up at someone and nothing you do will dissuade them. When this happens, they will yell at you, and it will be deeply unpleasant. On the bright side, you may learn some fun new curse words.
The Gentle Weirdo. Patrons of this type come in many guises, sizes, ages, and genders. Their sole commonality is their weirdness. You will know them by their oddly calming demeanor and their firm belief that they were present at the Hindenburg disaster.
The Joker. Usually a man, usually older than you, this person loves to tell terrible, terrible jokes. They will expect you to laugh uproariously. You will learn to fake it.
The Toker. This person moves through the world in a permanent cloud of marijuana smoke. You have never seen them not high; in fact, you suspect that they have never not been high. They are generally good-natured, if a little confused, but you will have to eject them from the premises for rolling joints in the sitting area at least once.
The Extremely Cool Teen. Man, this teen is cool. SO cool. They are definitely way cooler than you were as a teenager, and they definitely know it. In fact, they are way too cool to be hanging out at the library all the time. They know this as well, and can be counted upon for a steady stream of eyerolls and snippy comments about any and every program at your branch. Oddly enough, they always turn up for these events anyway, and appear to enjoy themselves hugely. Try not to mention this to them.
The Otaku. This person watches anime. That’s it. They literally do nothing else. They don’t take out books, they don’t go to programs, they don’t make eye contact with other patrons. They come in, sit at a computer, and watch hours and hours of anime. Do not attempt to engage them in conversation. You are not anime, and they will not care what you have to say.
The Porndog. The great thing about libraries is that they give everyone equal and unfettered access to information. Unfortunately, what some people want equal and unfettered access to is porn. Lots and lots of porn. The only way to spot this patron is by their computer screen, which will display the most obscene images known to man. Try not to blush too hard when you kick them out.
The Worst Couple In The World. These two patrons fight as they enter the library. They fight on their way to the information desk. They fight at the computers. They fight in the stacks. They fight as they leave to catch the bus. They are apparently dating, although you cannot understand why, as they seem to absolutely loathe one another. Avoid eye contact with both if you can—the only thing they hate more than each other is anyone who appears to challenge their shitty, shitty relationship.
The Tenant. You have never seen this patron enter or exit the library. You suspect that they may actually live there. Do not ask, as this would be impolite.
The Mimsy 