Summaries of Classic Novels I Haven’t Actually Read, Based On What I Have Learned About Them Through Cultural Osmosis

Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Horrible things happen to a woman who does not deserve it. Then she dies.

On the Road. That excessively tedious boy you met in college tells you about how cool he and his best friend are.

Ulysses. A man has a lot of thoughts and refuses to express them in proper sentences. His girlfriend is unbridledly enthusiastic about everything.

Stranger in a Strange Land. A dude lives on Mars and is all, “This rules.” Then he comes to Earth and is all, “This sucks.” Some weird sex things happen (I am extrapolating here based on the fact that all the people I know who really like this book also really like weird sex things).

Dune. That guy who played Charlotte’s first husband on Sex and the City is Space Jesus. Giant worms shit PCP in the desert.

At Swim, Two Boys. They die.

As I Lay Dying. Presumably they die in this one too.

Brideshead Revisited. People who once went to Brideshead return there. They do not have a pleasant time.

Gravity’s Rainbow. Rockets and coprophilia.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Basically Marley and Me, but with a motorcycle instead of a dog.

The Sun Also Rises. The man finishes the whiskey. He lights a cigarette. “I am a man,” he tells the woman. The woman does not respond. He has just had sex with her. He is disgusted. He leaves to shoot a large animal and think about the war.

The Road. Different from On the Road in that there is more cannibalism.

The Sound and the Fury. Everything is very loud and angry.

Watership Down. Psychic bunnies.

Mrs. Dalloway. She buys the flowers herself.

The Big Sleep. Detectives! Probably someone is referred to as a “dame” at least once.

The Corrections. People hate one another and themselves. From what I can gather, this is an apt summary of just about every book Jonathan Franzen has written.

The Stranger. A French man kills an Arab man on the beach. Years later Robert Smith writes a song about it. It’s pretty good.

All Quiet on the Western Front. This is cheating a little, as although I have not read this book, I have seen one of the movies based on this book. What I got from that was a) War Is Hell and b) War Is Also Seriously Homoerotic.

Crime and Punishment. A dude commits a crime and is all “oh no!” Punishment ensues.

Portnoy’s Complaint. Shut the fuck up, Portnoy.

Frankenstein. It’s the name of the monster, not the scientist.

Gone With the Wind. Racism and curtains.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Unlike the animated film, it does not contain any wacky singing gargoyles, but like the animated film, it is an intimate portrayal of one priest’s bizarre sexual hangups.

Revolutionary Road. A well-to-do married couple live in a nice suburb, and it is just awful.

Deliverance. Yeah, everybody knows exactly what I know about Deliverance.

The Red Badge of Courage. Man, remember the Wishbone version of this? Where Joe was embarrassed by his loser friends so he’s like “I’m gonna be POP-U-LAR!” but then he’s like “oh wait my old friends were great, these new cool friends suck”? What a great show. Anyway, I guess that’s what this book is about.

In Search of Lost Time. Sadness and (barely) repressed homosexuality.

Catch-22. Honestly not sure about this one, but I think it may involve a plane.

The Scarlet Letter. A Puritan woman bangs a minister. It goes exactly as well as you’d expect.