Most library patrons are delightful. A few are not. Here is a song for those few, to be sung to the tune of “Ode to Joy.”
Don’t you put that fucking book there
That’s not where it fucking goes
We can return items for you
If you don’t like what you chose
Don’t you let your fucking children
Climb onto the shelving cart
And don’t leave them here alone
While you go to the shopping mart
Don’t draw on the fucking tables
Or tread gum into the mats
Don’t rip up the goddamn books
‘Cause you will have to pay for that
Stop leaving fucking Doritos
Scattered on the fucking floor
That’s how you get fucking ants, man,
Have you not heard that before?
Don’t you run in the library
Are you that fucking obtuse?
You are going to trip and fall
And chip your motherfucking tooth
Don’t leave half full cups of coffee
Sitting on our fucking shelves
And if you watch porn on our
Computers, you can go to hell
What the fuck, we’re fucking closed now
Don’t come through the fucking door
No, you won’t “just browse a minute”
You’ll take a half hour or more
Go ahead and call us assholes
Rant and rave ’til your mouth foams
We’ll welcome you back tomorrow
But for now, we’re going home
The Mimsy 